New parents are often told, “Children are like pancakes. You always mess up the first one.” Really? I spend a lot of time with my children, and I’ve never thought, “This is just like making a pancake.” Based on this Pancake Logic, a second or third child would be an improvement, right? Not if you listen to birth order conspiracies – I mean theories. According to those, the middle child has “issues” because they don’t receive enough attention. That’s concerning but also confusing. Wasn’t that middle child also once the supposedly spoiled, attention-soaked youngest child? Wouldn’t the middle child be the second non-messed-up pancake-child?

Like most parents, I would never ignore one of my children. Unless they were asking for a screen. Or money. Or if I was watching football. Well, despite all this birth order nonsense – I mean theory – I believe I give my middle child as much if not more attention than my other kids. She somehow even earned the right to be my phone’s wallpaper image – much to the dismay of the other pancakes. The middle child is often a mystery; but then again, so is most of parenting… which is probably why Jesus invented bourbon.

– JAMES CHRISTOPHER GAFFIGAN

Each bottle of Fathertime’s The Middle Child Mystery has been personally hand-signed.

FATHERTIME PRECIOUS BATCH KENTUCKY STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKEY

EMPTY NESTER STRENGTH

The Middle Child Mystery

This precious batch bourbon is named Fathertime, not after that bearded fella who is the personification of time, nor the special moments a man spends with his children but for the occasional brief period of peace and reflection every hard-working father earns.